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(K)night(mare)in White Armor

or

You CAN prove it by me.

I bent my knees and arched my back,

And lowered my derriere on it.

Without a hitch, I did my thing

And then, I realized, “Darn it.2

The tissues most emphatically needed

To wipe off my poor bottom,

Were far beyond my reach and so

I struggled ‘til I got ‘em.

I twisted, stretched, but held on tight,~

My dignity was in peril,

No other hospital routine demands

That I must be so virile.

My triumph proved to be short-lived,

And I KNEW I was going over.

I’ll spare you the gory details, but

It was no bed of clover.

The nurses all came on the run

Their faces showed dismay.

MY face got red, the sweat ran down,

I hadn’t “MADE” their day.

I tried to explain what happened

But, my words came out in a muddle.

It’s hard to be coherent

When you’re sitting in a puddle.

Now, some of you may empathize,

Perhaps you’ve been there, too.

It’s not the needles and such we fear,

It’s what the ornery bed-pan might do.

Hannah (2005)